Here's a guaranteed formula for disaster. Start off with a spoof, not necessarily the most efficient form of funny business. After all, it requires a knowledge of the genre being tweaked, as well as the talent to make up jokes about it. Now pick one of the hardest categories to call out, the horror film. Unless you count the mostly harmless macabre amusement of the Scary Movie
films the height of hilarity, boos and buffoonery usually don't mix very well. Now, to top it all off, add in hardcore pornography. That's right, instead of the ritualistic heavy petting that gets our teen heroes in hot water with the homunculus, let's give the performers a chance to really pour on the poon. When placed together, the result should be something stupid, since the intertwined trio of ideas initially appears as snug as a bug in a DDT factory.
Yet somehow, director Jonathan Morgan makes it work, and work wonderfully well. With a cast that represents the cream of the adult industry crop (at least from a straight feature, non-gonzo, old school, leading lady and man name position) and using a lunatic lampoon of fright flicks as the backdrop for his XXX antics, Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre is a hump-filled hoot. Sure, some may look at it and see a soon-to-be-edited-down softcore film for Cinemax, but the truth is that Morgan makes the most of his actors, their limited thespian tendencies, and clever cinematic effects to deliver a delightful dicking that is potent in its jolts, jokes and jock-knocking. While not the perfectly perverted pantomime of Space Nuts, any movie that can successfully scoff at Friday the 13th, Halloween, The Ring, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Blair Witch Project and a billion other low budget slasher films deserves kudos for its conceit. Besides, the sex is sensational.
-- sponsored by --
The premise for this film is pretty simple. Five "college students" (talk about your suspension of disbelief) played by Voodoo, jessica drake, Tommy Gunn, Stormy Daniels and Eric Masterson have all won tickets to see Metallicide, their fave heavy metal band. When a particularly hot session of four way action leads them to run over a drifter, the "kids" seek help at an abandoned band camp, the scene of a whole shit load of murders a couple of decades back. While the men go off into the woods to...well, let's just say that logic is not this films strong point, Stormy and jessica get an earful about the camp's corrupt past from a spooky old caretaker (a special appearance by Mike Horner). This leads to the sex scenes, as well as some of the best spoofs in the set. Going over each scene individually will give you a basic idea at how hot and happening each XXX sequence is. Though they are tame by today's "anything up anywhere for a thrill" moviemaking mentality, there is carloads of chemistry between the performers, which more than compensates for the lack of logistics.
The Sex Scenes:
Scene 1: jessica drake, Stormy Daniels, Voodoo, Tommy Gunn
Acts Performed: Blowjobs, Tit Play, Ball Action, Cowgirl w/Anal Fingering, Reverse Cowgirl, Slight Lesbianism, Mish, Doggy, Partner Swapping, $hot on Boobs and in Mouth
Score: 4.5 out of 5
With jessica and Stormy, two of the hottest performers in porn, and Tommy and Voodoo, who pack the meat to make the heat, this is a great way to start the film. Morgan is in perfect control of his camera, and never lets the action get out of hand or incomprehensible. Instead, a good level of ardor is created, and the actors turn up the steam for a sizzling sequence of skin flinting. The only question becomes - couldn't they give Eric Masterson something to do other than sit off in the background, camcorder in hand, looking sad?
Scene 2: Kinzie Kenner, Scott Nails
Acts Performed: Foreplay, Blowjob, Ball Action, Doggy, Reverse Cowgirl, Pile Driver, $hot in Mouth
Score: 3 out of 5
Our first outright spoof is from the opening sequence of the classic Halloween, with Kinzie and Scott showing what John Carpenter couldn't all those years ago. This couple has the prerequisite underage jailbait look, and they really know how to fuck up a frenzy. On the down side, neither is very charismatic as a performer - they are more like the male and female equivalent of XXX understudies. When placed next to the rest of the cast, they come off as the amateur wannabes waiting in the wings. Still, the sex sizzles and that's all that matters for hardcore fanatics.
Scene 3: Rita Foltoyano, Rebecca Love, Katja Kassin, Taryn Thomas, Manuel Ferrera
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Ball Action, Cowgirl with Alternating V to M, Cunnilingus, Mish, Doggy, Salad Tossing, Various Acts of Lesbianism, Pyramid Pussy Eating, Pyramid Pussy Fucking, Reverse Cowgirl, Face Sitting, 4 Way $hot with Each Girl's Mouth Taking Part of the Load
Score: 4 out of 5
In a nice rebuff riff on the standard 'insane asylum rape' sequence, Manuel Ferrera plays the lucky/unlucky lover of four fertile inmates in an all out five-way free for all. This is one of the best-filmed fuckfests ever, since Morgan makes sure the camera catches the action, as well as the ancillary bits going on in the background. Any small country looking for a source of unlimited power generation should see about hooking up Mr. Ferrera's hips to their turbines ASAP. This man never screws without gyrating his genitals like a boy scout trying to start a fire for a weenie roast. The gals respond with gratuity and genuine arousal, and the mouth specific pop shot at the end has to be seen to be believed. While orgies are usually not the Dirge's favorite sequences to sit through, this one was incredibly hot.
Scene 4: Kalie Morgan, Kris Slater
Acts Performed: Foreplay, Blowjob, Scissors, Reverse Cowgirl, Mish, $hot on Stomach
Score: 3 out of 5
It's the opening sequence to Friday the 13th, except instead of the counselors canoodling in the attic of Camp Crystal Lake, they are porking by the pond itself. This is a simple scene, straightforward in the sex and handled with guts and gusto by the performers. The only interesting element is the typical horror film POV cam, where we see the couple copulating from the killer's perspective. Otherwise, this is professional pornography created and filmed with expertise and style.
Scene 5: Cherokee, Tommy Gunn
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Reverse Cowgirl, V to M, 69, Doggy, Mish, $hot in Mouth, Oral Cleanup, Rabid Raccoon Attack
Score: 4 out of 5
In a combination "Indian Burial Ground" warning and excuse to get the meaty Gunn together with the petite princess, this is one erotic scene. Gunn's gigantic member means Cherokee has to work extra hard, but she proves she has the mouth and the mons to take whatever her partner can dish out. The big/small dynamic works well here, since we sense the satisfaction in both actors' antics. Though they aren't "stars" in the name above the title tendencies of the adult industry, this couple definitely creates a sensational sequence of sex (oh...and the last minute joke with the raccoon is priceless).
Scene 6: Devon Michaels, Randy Spears
Acts Performed: Foreplay, Tit Play, Blowjob, Cowgirl, Doggy, Mish, $hot in Mouth with Oral Cleanup
Score: 4 out of 5
Spears is the dumb as dirt redneck sheriff who can't see the slaughter for all the skirt he's chasing. Devon is the dish he's about to partake of. Together, they create some deep fried fornication fun right there on the policeman's parked car. Spears requires a woman capable of keeping up with him, both in maturity and in monkey lovin'. Devon is a pretty good match, considering she gives as good as she takes. While not the most attractive actress in the industry (she has a mouth and jawline that Steven Tyler of Aerosmith would find excessive), she certainly gives the spartan Spears his peter's worth.
Scene 7: Nicole Sheridan, Voodoo
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Ball Action, Mish, Doggy, Reverse Cowgirl, $hot in Mouth
Score: 4 out of 5
Looking to recreate The Ring's signature scare scene? Who better than Nicole Sheridan to essay that spooky Goth gal's interpretive death dance out of that well known...well. Though the set up is strange - Voodoo just happens across the cistern while running for his life - and the appearance of the apparition isn't as natural as the Halloween/Friday the 13th scenes, it still makes us laugh just realizing the humor homage. This real life couple sure does love to fuck and suck: you can see it in this sequence. Nicole does give good creepy, since she's kind of odd looking with her angular nose and weirdly wide mouth. Along with Morgan's skill with a lens, we get another standout sex scene.
Scene 8: jessica drake, Eric Masterson
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Doggy w/ Anal Fingering, V to M, Mish, Cowgirl, $hot in Mouth w/ Oral Cleanup
Score: 3.5 out of 5
The most bizarre trio of tool timing sequences starts with jessica and Eric getting down and dirty for the handheld camera. Both are real pros, and the passion is palpable between them. But the oddity comes from the fact that, for the rest of the movie, Masterson will be the only dick we see. He will go on to have sex with Stormy and Wicked newcomer Keri Slater, and while there is nothing wrong with Mr. M or his XXX facets, to save all his scenes for the very end of the film seems just plain strange.
Scene 9: Stormy Daniels, Eric Masterson
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Ball Action, Doggy, Reverse Cowgirl, Cowgirl, $hot in Mouth w/ Oral Cleanup
Score: 4 out of 5
Stormy is a very sexy, very giving porn star, and she has an excellent scene with Eric in what will be her final appearance in the film. Actually, this brings up another peculiar element of this title. With 10 scenes of sex, you'd think that the stars would do more than a single group grope and a solo scene. jessica is indeed guilty of the same sparse use, and while no one is asking them to take on every cock in the company, it just seems unusual that our leads leave most of the fuck and suck to others.
Scene 10: Kerrie Slater, Eric Masterson
Acts Performed: Blowjob, Mish, Tit Play, V to M, DP in the Doggy Position with Plastic Dildo, Solo Reaming with Dildo, $hot in Mouth w/ Oral Cleanup
Score: 3.5 out of 5
Eric's last lunge is a strangely out of place scene which seems tacked on for no other reason than to have Keri take a big pink dildo up her dumper (turns out that this was indeed the case, according to the behind the scenes materials). She is not the most charismatic actress, and Masterson seems lost in another film, poking and prodding her with professional dispassion. By the time we get to the pop, and the so-so surprise ending, Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre has lost something. What started out so great has more or less overstayed its welcome. It is not Eric and Keri's fault, though. There is just something about the horror spoof concept that grows grating after a while.
Indeed, if this film has one major flaw, it's the fact that, at about the one hour and forty-five minute mark, the film turns off the humor and ratchets ups the horror. Not that Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre is scary...far from it. But in what appears to be a total tonal shift, we move from joking about the macabre to taking the killer's identity way too seriously. Gone are the raging raccoons, the actor and actress mugging, the cute comic characterizations and outright riffs on other films. In its place we have scattershot suspense, far more murders (though all off screen - gore and buttfucking just don't mix, kiddies) and a ridiculous reveal that doesn't really pay off so much as peter out. The twist is tacky since it's not really set up in the film's first part. Still, for the vast majority of this movie, we've had wacky good times, and plenty of whacking material, so it's really hard to complain too much.
Disco Dirge Peter Meter Rating: 4.5 out of 5 (Highly Recommended)
Cohabitation Certification: Granted
Had the film been a tighter spoof, had the last three scenes not all featured Eric Masterson's "Fucking Frodo" persona, if the fun and fresh film lampoons had been maintained, this would be the best porn DVD of the year. For the bonus material alone fans should be foaming. Wicked's presentation bests even the most extra-laden set from mainstream movie studios. And besides, the sex is smokin' hot and filled with the fantasy rich action that makes straight features so much fun. Those expecting the horror equivalent of Space Nuts will be slightly disappointed. There's too much fear in this farce. There is truly nothing more hilarious than adult film stars acting the fool. Too bad that Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre wants to be a serious - albeit semi-serious - scare film towards the end.